Yesterday the other candidates and catechumen went to St. Cuthman's to have a day of reflection and, in the case of the candidates, have their first Confession...well jealous!! You may all think I'm a bit odd (and you'd be right) for being envious of Demelza, Liz and Steph. Loads of people I've talked to are very apprehensive or scared of this Sacrament (although to be fair some love it too...bit of a Marmite topic, eh) but I think it's marvellous. Okay, so I know that I don't really have any idea what I'm talking about it having only encountered it via the written word and in the RCIA...but from what I understand it's one of the most beautiful things a person can ever go through! (Aside from Baptism that is...) An immense personal encounter with God where he forgives you for whatever you've done, heals all your wounds and just loves you to bits...what more could you ask for! Yeah I'll be mildly terrified when I have to go there for real...but it'll be a good kind of terrified...if there is such a thing!
On the way to Mass this morning I was thinking about the last three weeks and the scrutinies and everything...as gorgeous as the prayers were and all it just made me...itch under my skin all the more for next Saturday. And (in the nicest way possible) I'm so glad I'm past them now. I mean they were incredible, the laying on of hands actually made me go weak at the knees every time (but how could it not?) and it was an amazing gift from the Church to help me focus my mind much better on Christ...but, well, I so, so need to be an actual member of the Body of Christ so badly. It keeps me from sleeping, distracts me during the day...it's all I pray for. And I know I've said it a ton of times before but there is this humungous part of me, my very core really, missing...and the only place I can find it is in the Church.
Spiritual Communion today (my last one ever as a Catechumen!!!!) was so hard yet amazing at the same time. As everyone started filing up I had my head in my hands and as I prayed I could feel, more than ever, my separation (the great, gaping canyon that it is) from the Church, the fact that I'm still not quite there yet even though the finish line is in sight but Jesus was there, hand on my shoulder, telling me not to panic (and to relax... ;-) ) and that it would all be worth the wait.
6 more days, Katherine...6 more days...